War on Drivers forces capture Kensington, MD; Weiss counterattacks

The ongoing "War on Drivers" (WoD) in the DC area took a major turn last week, as WoD forces captured Kensington, Maryland. They've announced plans to destroy all automobiles, furnishing every resident with free bicycles and walking shoes instead. An immediate counter-attack, led by General Eric Weiss of the "Not-Til-You-Pry-It-Out-Of-My-Cold-Stiff-Hands" (NTYPIOOUMCSH, pronounced Nitty-pyoo-miksch) expeditionary forces and and with tactical support from the VDOT Third Armored Road Repaving Division, bombed Clarendon with a flurry of unsubstantiated studies indicating the need for four new elevated freeways crisscrossing the county but not actually leading anywhere.

NTYPIOOUMCSH encountered resistance on their rush from Virginia to defend Kensington by numerous bottlenecks on I-66. Weiss remarked, "See, this is what we mean! If we can't even get our Hummers and Expeditions where we need to in order to engage the enemy, then it just proves our point. This is all-out war!" However, his forces took to the local roads in Arlington, and executed a coup-d'etat against Arlington's Governor-of-Urban-Canopy, Christopher Zimmerman, who took refuge in the Pentagon City Metro station—a safe location the NTYPIOOUMCSH forces were not aware even existed.

WoD forces, strengthened by the fresh air and exercise they were now getting, began spreading their influence to the south, and met with a friendly ally in Bethesda, where similar battles were also being waged. The WoD forces were aided by the significant mobility advantages provided by the secret Metro tunnels, bike paths and pedestrian connections that do not appear on NTYPIOOUMCSH's Goggle maps.

As usual, the on-line community was instantly engaged, and updates on the war can be found on the WoD supporters' Facebook page: "Make 'em walk 'til they blister" and twitter at ntypioumcshsucks. Countering in cyberspace, the enemy created their own Facebook page: "Get outta my frickin' way" and are also tweeting at outtamyfrickinway.

It's still too early to tell how the war will end, with each side claiming to hold the high ground and unwilling to back down until the other side quits moving about in an "uncivilized" fashion. Both sides had tentatively agreed to peace talks by former President Jimmy Carter, but negotiations broke down over disputes as to whether he would travel to the region by car or Amtrak.

(Photo by Jason Means.)

(cross-posted on Greater Greater Washington)